Surviving Depression Without Meds
First lets just say that I am not sure if there is really such a thing as “surviving” postpartum depression. Secondly, I am not a doctor, just someone who has been there. I can tell you from experience postpartum depression (or any other type of depression) is no joke. Depression runs in my family, however I have always felt like I could fight it away, or that I was stronger than everyone else and would not ever let it affect me. Well I felt that way until my last miscarriage – then it hit! Postpartum depression took over my life, my mind, my actions, my ability to function.
It came on me like an unexpected storm, fast, furious and deadly. I woke up one day realizing that I hated everything, everybody, every situation, pretty much EVERYTHING annoyed me. I could not focus on anything, could not remember 1+1. I could not sleep at all at night, but all I wanted to do all day was sleep on my couch. I didn’t want to deal with my other 4 children (even though I love them very much). In fact, I felt guilty because I knew I should be a better mom and “want” to be with them, cook for them, even just sign their school work. But I didn’t want to do any of it. I hated it if they needed me to talk to them or answer a question. I couldn’t stand it if anyone actually expected me to function throughout the day. I couldn’t open my Bible, or listen to my Christian music. Praying felt pointless. I wanted to feel better but at the same time I really wanted to feel worse. I wanted my pain to be visible for everyone to see so that someone would notice me. I wanted to hurt more, but knew that was a dumb. I just couldn’t change it.
Oh and don’t even get me started on seeing other people pregnant, or with a new baby, or talking about babies. OMG I never thought something that had always made me so happy could drive me so mad. Every time I turned on Facebook there was another person complaining about being pregnant. I just wanted to YELL at them “stop complaining, some people would really like to be pregnant right now!”
Talking on the phone (or physically talking at all) felt like the biggest chore. I tried to avoid it at all costs. I couldn’t stand it if someone would ask “how are you?” I mean how are you supposed to answer that? “Um I feel like crap, I hate my life and really just wish I could die right now! How about you?” LOL Yeah that’s not going to work.
I finally called my doctor and got an appointment. She prescribed me medications over the phone, but I really hate meds and didn’t want to take them without seeing her and having her prove to me there was nothing else wrong with me. She ran a huge panel of blood work and all came back perfect…she called me and pleated “PLEASE take the meds they will help you feel better!” She sent me home with a prescription for Prozac and said that she couldn’t force me to take them, but if I felt bad enough I would at least have the prescription if I wanted to pick them up.
I went home and seriously considered it. I had several VERY bad days. I few days I seriously contemplated whether it was really to anyone’s advantage if I were alive. Several days where I wondered why I even try anymore, breathing and living is just so hard. I got through those days. Not with the Prozac but with listening to music I could relate with (basically sad and depressing music), I also found myself writing. Not necessarily in a journal but on my phone in the notes section.
Here is the song that I would listen to on repeat all day long (it’s depressing but it helped): Nobody’s Home by Avril Lavigne
Slowly I begin to find myself willing to smile again, willing to talk on the phone, less anxious and forgetful. I wouldn’t say I am 100% again, but I am feeling much better. Having way less “bad” days and feeling accomplished that so far I have been able to do this without medication. My biggest challenge right now is trying to find inspiration again. I am sure it will just take me getting up off my lazy bum and doing something. But that’s the part that is so hard! Soon (I hope) I can find some inspiration again. Find my crafty bone again. Soon I will find “me” all of me, I am sure of it!
If you can relate with my thoughts, feelings and emotions – you too may be dealing with postpartum depression, or another type of depression in general. If that is you, please try and find some resources that can help you. Whether it be medications (prescribed by your doctor of course), music, writing, exercising – whatever it may be, start small. Pick one tiny little itty bitty task and attempt it. Because every baby step, is a step to helping you find yourself again!
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