Coping With The Loss of a Miscarriage
Let me start out by first saying, I am not a medical professional. Secondly, that there is no easy way to cope with the loss of a baby.
Unfortunately, I am writing this post as I am currently waiting for a D&C procedure. This will be my 6th miscarriage and 5th D&C procedure. So as you can see I have quite a bit of experience when dealing with loss.
Sadly, it doesn’t matter if you are suffering your first miscarriage or your 6th, each and every time the pain is the same. A loss, is a loss. The pain is real, your baby was a part of you and it’s ok to grieve.
My first miscarriage took me completely by surprise. It was my fourth pregnancy and I went in for my first appointment at 12 weeks. The doctor did an ultrasound and immediately I knew what I was looking at (or not looking at) where there should have been a developed baby and heartbeat there was a little peanut with no flicker. My stomach just sank. I had been feeling pregnant, sick, boobs hurting, stomach getting bigger, hormones continuing to rise, and yet I my baby had died a few weeks previously. I carried that pregnancy for another week until the waiting felt like it was killing me and I called the doctor and asked for the D&C.
Grieving this first lost was long, hard and messy. I ugly cried A LOT! I screamed out to God, struggled to even look at my younger children because seeing them reminded me that I had lost this sweet baby I had already in-visioned joining our family. I had already begun showing and had told everyone I knew that we were expecting, so the coming weeks were so very hard as people asked me how my pregnancy was progressing or asked if I had somehow already had the baby. I found it hard when people asked, however I also discovered that talking about the baby I had lost was actually helping me cope. It made that baby feel real. It helped me feel better that I wasn’t ignoring or hiding a sweet baby I had already grown to love and adore.
Each of my subsequent miscarriages felt very much the same. The only difference was I wasn’t as surprised. I went into each pregnancy with so much fear and anxiety I felt like I couldn’t even accept that I was pregnant until I was holding my baby. I remember with my 4th child (the pregnancy right after my first miscarriage), I was terrified that I would lose him all the way up through even labor! We didn’t even share his name with our family until he was born because I was afraid if we lost him it would be too hard. The second thing that changed with my pregnancies after my first miscarriage, was we didn’t tell our family or friends we were pregnant until we either made it well into the second trimester or when we found out we would be miscarrying. This for me was part of protecting my heart. It’s so hard to deal with seeing your kids sad that they won’t have a new baby brother or sister, or seeing the faces of people who were excited with you and your new pregnancy suddenly feel lost for words and sad for you once you have to tell them you have lost the baby. For me I don’t mind people knowing I was pregnant or that I have lost the baby, in fact I’d rather people know so they could pray for me and understand why for a few weeks I may look and feel a bit off. Personally I feel that the process of telling people I was pregnant and have lost the baby helps me accept my loss and begin the healing process.
Everyone copes differently and that’s ok. Some people need to cry quietly in their room, write in a journal or speak only to their close loved ones. Some people feel the need to announce their loss to everyone they know via social media. Others try to ignore the situation all together and pretend it never happened. Or if you are “special” like me, you try all of these coping mechanisms and discover that there is really no magical solution to coping with a miscarriage.
I believe you need to do whatever feels right for you. If telling people about your loss helps, talk about it. If writing in a journal and having quiet alone time crying helps…cry and write away! But you need to do something. Be aware that postpartum depression is a real thing and can happen even after miscarriage. I have had to deal with some pretty awful depression after a couple of my losses and recommend getting help if you find yourself falling into a dark place.
Like I mentioned at the beginning, I am currently going through my 6th miscarriage. I am nearly 10 weeks and my heart is devastated. I feel numb. Like I can’t be sad until it’s all over, because right now I feel so incredibly pregnant. My morning sickness is off the charts, I still look pregnant, and I have literally had ZERO signs of a miscarriage other then the ultrasound showing that the baby hasn’t grown in about a week and has no heartbeat. I’ve decided it’s easier to tell people that I am going to have a surgery tomorrow because my baby has past away than to try and avoid the topic. However, I know I have a long way to go through this recovery process. In fact, I think this loss may end up being my hardest yet as I have been so sick this time and am getting older, so I feel like this may be my last pregnancy I will ever have. Ending my child bearing with now two in a row miscarriages (my last miscarriage was exactly 1 year ago this week, when I miscarried twins), is so hard. It’s so hard to think about and accept the fact that I won’t ever again get to feel a baby kick inside of me, I won’t ever nurse another child, my youngest is forever going to be the youngest (this point is so hard for me as I have already in-visioned him being a big brother twice now and every time I see him it breaks my heart all over again!)
As I continue to grieve and cope through this loss I am sure I will update this post. I would also love it if anyone else wants to share their stories and how they have been able to cope with their loss.
